Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
