Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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