Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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