My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
