dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
