sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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