is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
