just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
