I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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