Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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