I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
