I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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