you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
