Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
