If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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