i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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