somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
