i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
