I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
