Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
