The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
