so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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