I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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