Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
