The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
