FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
