apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
