We won't sleep together?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
