if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude i'm inner monologue high
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
