oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
