he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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