The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
