how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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