I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
