His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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