Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
