PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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