We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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