Porn is love you can see.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
