I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
