i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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