i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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