I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
