Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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