if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
