Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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