So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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