We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
