there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
being pregnant is like rehab
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
