Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
