Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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