Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The Olympian is in my bed
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
