4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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