We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
