also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
someone owes me an orgasm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
