im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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