Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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