Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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