Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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