We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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