I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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