my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
