I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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