you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
