Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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